Thursday, May 4

Top Tips for the Big Interview

With the Great American Economic Recovery all the buzz these days, can Full Employment be far behind? (For the sake of this column) Of course not!

Now this means all you snowflakes out there, languishing in that rent-free Safe Space at your parents’ place while sharpening your gaming skills will need to ramp up for that long-awaited Big Job interview!

The following list will help you more confidently take that new BA in “Post-Modern Philosophy of Medieval Ballet” to leverage that six-figure income you so richly deserve. To impress a Fortune 500 firm that will accept your demands to set your own hours, projects, timetables and work standards, you will need to learn, know and use this short list if success and your own apartment are to be within your grasp!

5 Things Not To Say on the Job Interview:

#5 “Ya know?” is easily the most popular non-sequitur in common parlance today. Ubiquity notwithstanding, it reflects a laziness of speech and thought way beyond ignoring the most predictable response: “No, I don’t know.” Unless you are being interviewed by a close family relative familiar with your life and personal preferences, avoid liberally sprinkling your answers with the dreaded “ya know?”.

#4 “I mean…”. Similar to “ya know” (see above), “I mean” is both a crutch and unintended revelation. If in answering the Interviewer’s questions, you rely on “I me or thoughts sufficiently together, ultimately squandering large chunks of the work day to “revise and extend” your assigned tasks. Ya know what I mean?

#3 “Like” - Do you remember learning about “similes” and “metaphors” in English class? OK. Do you remember English class? No worries. Like Latin, English is becoming a dead language. (See what I did there?). While an otherwise perfectly useful part of speech, “like” has become just another crutch like its verbal brethren above. Like, ya know what I mean?

#2 Tied for Second Place: “Yeah”, “Sure” and “ummm”. In too many instances, “Yeah” and “Sure” improperly modify #5-#3. While Ronald Reagan (a former US President) made constructive use of “Well..” in similar responses, it generally preceded statements on matters of national importance or executive humor. If your prospective job carries similar weight, feel free to use any of the above verbal crutches with impunity. Conversely, “ummm” leaves the prospective employer with the distinct impression of intellectual illiteracy or, worse, the appearance of having lapsed into your daily meditations, smack in the middle of the interview. Best to make no sound at all while frantically searching for something erudite to say. WARNING: Don’t search too long; the Interviewer may think you zoned out.

#1 Hands down, the word one must immediately expunge from the beginning of any response: “So..”. This recent and obnoxious speech habit ranks even below public nasal harvesting and resonating flatulence. Repulsive examples are regularly inflicted by guests on the otherwise popular “Tucker Carlson Tonight” program on FOX News. Recently, a supposedly learned university professor began his response to five successive questions from Mr. Carlson with “So…”. At all costs, eschew the word “so” unless used as an adverb or conjunction or if you are applying for employment at Singer or the McCall/ Butterick Pattern Co.

Strict application of the above advice may help ensure a favorable “first impression” in contradiction to that anticipated by the Interviewer after observing your Date Of Birth. For last minute cramming, try this.

So, yeah, I mean, sure, like, ummm... good luck!

Ya know?



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